Merry Christmas!!

I hope everyone's Christmas was as happy as ours. We had a bit of excitement last night when we got woken up with someone pounding and yelling at our door at 2:00AM... It ended up being an ambulance with the wrong street name (there's a court 1 street over from our road with the same name, and people get them mixed up quite often, but never quite so dramatically before), but luckily Jefferson slept through it and Duncan wasn't too hard to get back to sleep, and besides that and me burning the dinner rolls, I think our Christmas was quite wonderful. I'm so grateful for the opportunity Christmas gives for extra time with our families and to reflect on the birth and life of our Saviour.

"So now we are best friends"

One of the funnest parts of watching Duncan grow up and get older and change from a baby to a little boy is how he and Jefferson are starting to interact and play more and more.

A couple weeks ago the boys woke up especially early, and I could hear them in their room whispering and giggling, then they both crawled into our room with their blankets and pillows and climbed into our bed. Jefferson told me "I fell out of bed last night, and I was lonely, so I got in Duncan's bed, and I slept there. So now we are best friends".

Ever since then we've had a hard time getting them each to sleep in their own beds, I wouldn't mind if they shared a bed except for the fact that when they do they wake each other up during the night, and always wake up way too early in the morning.

At bed time Jefferson is usually very tired, and ready to fall to sleep, and Duncan still has energy (thanks to Jefferson's long days at school and Duncan's naps during the day), so Duncan wanting to play at bedtime is usually not very welcomed by Jefferson. Last night Jefferson kept telling Duncan to go back to his own bed, until he finally fell asleep, and then Duncan moved ALL his books (Duncan feels the need to sleep with about 30 books each night) and his pillow over to Jefferson's bed and read books to the sleeping Jefferson until he fell asleep too. When we went in to move him he grabbed Jefferson's arm in his sleep, and wouldn't let go, and got this little pout on his face like he knew what we were trying to do. 

(the cut on Duncan's eye is from a game Jefferson was playing with him where Duncan chased Jefferson with his eyes shut...)

I love little boys.

Feel very, very sick mama

A couple months ago Duncan started acting just generally sick and miserable, but his weirdest symptom was he wouldn't walk or really even move, and whenever we picked him up to move him he cried out like it hurt. Two trips to the pediatrician, a visit to the ER and a transfer to Childrens Hospital later, we finally discovered he had gotten a bacterial infection in the lymph nodes in one of his hips. After two days of IV antibiotics every 8 hours he was back to his old self, and they sent us home with a prescription for oral antibiotics to continue for 10 days.

The only problem was the antibiotics they wanted him on tasted HORRIBLE, and he couldn't swallow the pills, so we had to break open the pills and mix it with something and try and force feed it to him. We tried applesauce, jello, orange juice, and cranberry juice, but every dose involved LOTS of tears, and having to scoop the medicine back into his mouth as he spit it out and trying to force him to swallow it.

I talked to his pediatrician, and she said the taste of that particular medicine seems to be masked best by chocolate, so I went to the store and bought a bottle of chocolate syrup and a bag of chocolate chips, and the result was magic. We would give him 2 chocolate chips, then a spoonful of chocolate syrup with the medicine mixed in, and then 2 more chocolate chips after. He still grimaced a bit at the medicine, but the excitement of eating the chocolate made up for it, and he would ask for his medicine instead of screaming "NO!" when we brought it out.

Since then he has gone to the fridge and brought me the bottle of chocolate syrup several times, and told me it was time to take medicine. I have always just told him his medicine was all gone, and put it away, but today for some reason I just gave him a little syrup on a spoon and let him eat it. After he was done he sat there with his spoon for a while, then he went back to the fridge, got out the bottle, and carried it over to me and said "Duncan feel very, very sick mama. Need two more medicine".

I had to laugh.

Ch ch ch changes

One thing about living in this area is the constant flux of people in our lives. So many people move to this area for 1-4 years for school, job assignments, etc. We have made so many really awesome friends this way, but it's always really hard when it's time to say goodbye to those friends. This week we're loosing one of the little boys that has been doing preschool with us, and his mom and I have been good friends, and I'm really going to miss her, and her sweet little boy at preschool. 

This is kind of a shift of topic, but their move was pretty sudden, and it's had me thinking about the big changes and moves that have occurred in my life, and how often they are unexpected and sudden.

I remember when I was a young teenager we lived in a tiny town in Northern Utah, and it was one of those places where people lived for generations. I was definitely in the minority not having been born there, and having grandparents and great grandparents there. And I remember being literally terrified that I would never find a way to pay for college, and I would have to get a job there, and then I'd end up getting married to someone who worked at a factory there, and we'd live there forever. I remember praying fervently "PLEASE let me not have to live here forever, and please let me be able to travel when I grow up."

Now looking back I laugh a little at just how terrified I was, and it probably doesn't sound all that horrific. But to me at the time it seemed like the worst thing that could ever happen, and having never been on an airplane, and having only even visited 3 states in my life, the possibility of never going anywhere and being stuck there seemed very real to me. 

As I look back on my life from that point, I see that Heavenly Father did care about the prayers of that little girl, and he really has blessed me with lots of opportunities to travel and live in lots of different places. I have often gotten frustrated at my inability to plan my life, because of all the big changes that happen that completely "mess up" my plans. But looking back, I realize that I never could have planned a life as good as the one I have, and that each of those big changes have in the end been good, and led to something great. I guess this is kind of a sappy post, but I'm just feeling grateful today for an Almighty hand that guides my life, and the knowledge that he is there through the changes, and through the times when there aren't changes, when I think there should be, and I feel so grateful for the paths my life has taken, and all the dear good friends I've made along the way.

Dear Jefferson

Dear Jefferson,

When I look at you I see:

Your kind heart - You are so sensitive to the world around you, and you want so much to help everyone be happy. I love the cards and pictures you make me, and how you are so quick to tell me you love me.

Your creative spirit - You LOVE creating! Your constant art projects, the "chapters" of your stories you tell me, and the imaginative way you view the world keep me smiling and amazed.

Your determination, your love of all people and animals, your sense of humor, and so much more.

I wish I could help you see how amazing you are, just the way you are. That Heavenly Father created an incredible little person, and you don't have to change to get people to like you. That there will always be people who will be different than you, and some will disapprove of you, but you were made the way you are for a reason, and if you stay true to Heavenly Father and yourself, the world will be a better place because you are here.

I am so grateful you are my little boy!

Love,
Mom

Baby it's cold inside....

Our furnace is being very temperamental, so we have heat about 50% of the time right now. It's kind of like an adventure, never knowing if our house will be warm or cold when I wake up, or get home from the store, or after lunch, etc. But not a very fun adventure. I would be okay with it ending now.

The furnace repair man came this morning, and thought he fixed it, but then it stopped working again 2 hours later, so I guess it is not completely fixed. 

I would type more, but I'm going to go put gloves on now, and I'm not very good at typing with gloves on. 

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Grant has become a fan of Spotify of late, and so we've been listening to some new albums, which has been fun.

A recent favorite is Sufjan Stevens "Songs for Christmas". I think our favorite song on the album is "Come On! Let's Boogey to the Elf Dance!", but there are lots of fun ones on there, and I really like his version of "I Saw Three Ships".

It also has a version of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing", that song always makes me think of my dad, because I think it was his favorite song. Christmas time in general makes me think of him, since the last time I saw him was at a little Christmas party he put together for all us kids at Grandma's house the week between Christmas and New Years.

I didn't want to go, and I wasn't overly friendly, and to be honest I don't remember what we did, or ate, or how he looked, or really any details. The weird thing is when I try to remember the party the thing I picture most clearly is us all sitting my grandma's green shag carpet. But she replaced that carpet a long time ago, so it wasn't even there at the time, so I don't know why in there memories I try to re-create of the event all I can picture is that carpet. Things with my dad were complicated at the time, and while I understand why I acted the way I did, I wish I had tried a little harder to accept him reaching out. And I wish I'd given him a Christmas card and told him I love him.

Anyway, I've been thinking about the things that I think I inherited or learned from my dad, and that I'm grateful for -

- My love of reading. You hardly ever saw him sitting down without a book in his hand.
- My love of going places. Dad loved planning family vacations and going places, and he loved just going anywhere really. Sometimes on Sunday we would just get in the van and drive to nowhere in particular and just look at the scenery.
- My stubbornness. While this causes me a lot of grief at times, it's also been a blessing at others, because if I'm determined to make something happen, I generally stick at it until I find a way

So there you have it - kind of a random post, sorry!

Look UP!

I am constantly amazed at how when I ask something of my scripture study time I consistently get answers. I guess that part that really amazes me is how long it takes me to turn to the scriptures when I have experienced this phenomenon so many times.

As posted yesterday, I've been feeling rather overwhelmed, and to be honest, feeling a little sorry for myself. When my alarm went off this morning I seriously considered just going back to sleep, but Grant got right up, which inspired me to get up as well, so I did get my pre-awake-boys scripture study in, and it was so very renewing.

The past couple years I've been trying something new with my scripture study time, I'm working my way through the index of the Book of Mormon/Doctrine & Covenants and reading through the verses in each topic alphabetically. It has really been interesting, but very slow work, I am still in the C's. Today's topics were Cover & Covet.

Didn't sound to promising going in, but then right off the bat I read this scripture:
Abr. 2:16 - Therefore eternity was our covering, and our rock, and our salvation.

And it just reminded me that He that is eternal, and never changing, and always there, is MY covering, and MY rock, and MY salvation. That HE has a plan for my life, and can even help me with a plan for my day. That I'm dealing with the eternities here, not just Christmas parties and presents, and if those things are causing me to feel overwhelmed and unhappy, my focus is not in the right places.

And then all the covet scriptures reminded how TRULY blessed I am, and how I've been focusing on what I think I "deserve", instead of the great abundance that I do have.

So I still have a lot I need to do today, and have not yet cleaned the bathroom, (but I'm going to do that right now!), but I am feeling much more peaceful and happy today, and am so grateful for the balancing influence of the scriptures in my life.

Dwayne the Bathtub, I'm Dwowning!

Did your friends tell you that joke in Elementary school?

I'm having one of those weeks months where I feel like I can't quite stay afloat in my little teacup of responsibilities. I have so many projects and priorities pulling me at all times that I just really want life to stop for a few days so I can catch up. Anyone know how to arrange that?

I've been staying up too late trying to get stuff done, and then not waking up until the boys wake up, which always makes for a rougher start to the day, and seriously cuts down on my scripture study time, so I know that's one place I need to make a change. So that's my goal for tomorrow - start the day with reading my scriptures, and end the day at a decent time. And clean the bathroom. That's my other goal.

Here's to staying afloat through the Holidays

Home again, home again

This last week flew by, and it's hard for me to believe our Thankgiving trip is already over and we are home again. It was a great trip, and I am so Thankful for my wonderful in-laws for hosting us last week and for all the fun activities they planned for us while we were there! Some of the highlights of our week were:

The Train museum with Grandpa
Jumping all our energy out at a inflatable play place followed by Graeters ice cream
Going to see Dolphin Tales (I didn't have to take anyone out of the theater the whole time, which felt quite epic and wonderful :))
Going to see cousin Austin's Eagle project at the park and playing on the swings there with cousins
Black Friday shopping
Christmas lights at the Cincinnati Zoo
A kid-free craft fair trip with Mom and Marcia
My first experience with a Hibachi grill at a Japanese Steakhouse - I have never had so much fun watching food be cooked, and it was so delicious.

Packing....

I remember when I was young, my mom had these packing lists she would pull out when we were going somewhere - one for picnics/bbq's, one for camping, and one for other trips.

As a child I didn't appreciate the brilliance of those lists, but having packed only partially successfully for numerous trips now, and having my kids sleep in my t-shirts instead of pajamas and using water cups to store my contacts in, I realize just how awesome they were.  But I never think of those lists until I'm already deep in the throes of the packing madness, and I always think "I don't have time to do that now, but when I get home, I'm definitely going to make that list".

Well, here I am again, packing for a week in Ohio with Grant's parents, without that list...

When I get home I'm definitely going to make that list.

Contribution

It's been a while... A busy couple of months, but isn't life always busy? So that's really not an excuse.

Last time I posted, I just posted that quote from President Hinkley about introspection, and my dear friend Marie asked "How does someone contribute and help their kids contribute when they must be so busy contributing to their children all the time?" And I thought that was a really good question, and I've been thinking about it.

Both my moms have been on my mind a lot this last month, so I started to think about my moms, and the contributions they have made/are making. I feel so incredibly blessed both in the family I was raised in, and the family I married into, and I have AMAZING moms. The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of both my moms is this pervading sense of acceptance, and love. And then they both just have this ability to look at any situation or person in life and put a positive spin on it/them. Every time I spend time with either of them I come away feeling inspired to be a better person myself.

Sometimes it is SO EASY for every second of my day to get filled up with just the business of raising little boys and keeping a house that it's really hard for me to feel like I have time to contribute to the world in any significant way. But as I thought of my moms, I thought maybe the best way I can contribute right now is through the attitude I have as I go about my days. Maybe if I'm a little more kind, loving, accepting, supportive to the people I interact with doing those mundane things, maybe that's a contribution I can make, without another check-mark on my to-do list.

Introspection

I just read this quote from Gordon B. Hinkley: “All of us ought to pause once in a while and just stop and think. … We are prone to talk too much and do too little. I think it is a wonderful thing to just indulge once in a while in moments of introspection and see what we are doing with our lives and what contribution we are making and where we could do a little better than we are now doing. I feel we would all benefit from that”

SAFARI!

Well, not a real safari - but amazing all the same. Read on my friend.

We have had such a fun week with Erin and then Lucas here - I love hanging out with my family, and wish I could do it much more often.

Yesterday we drove Lucas down to SVU. Last week we were looking online for something to do in that area that might make the day of 8 hours of driving slightly more survivable for the boys. I was looking at going trough some of the caverns in the area, but Grant found the Virginia Safari Park. I was skeptical - my experiences with privately owned zoos in the past have been less than stellar, but we decided to try it.

In the end it was hilarious/terrifying/awesome. You drive through the park with your windows rolled down and buckets of animal feed, and while that may sound tame and boring... I haven't laughed so hard in a very long time. I got llama spit in my hair and our entire car was covered with animal spit and feed before we were through, but it was so worth it. I keep trying to type more about what it was like, but as they say "words can not express" so here are some pictures.

Before we went in, with no idea what we were in for...

A llama blocking our car with his "I know what you have in there and you aren't getting by until you get me some" stare

Jefferson feeding an Emu

Lucas feeding a Fallow Deer

Me feeding a bunch of Blackbucks

An Eland and a Zebra sticking their head in my window

The highlight of the day was probably Lucas wrestling with a camel for his feed bucket (Lucas won, but got thoroughly slimed in the process). Grant is working on editing the video he took of the event, and I will post the link when it is finished. While I'm somewhat unsure how they manage to keep it all safe, the animals all appeared very well cared for, and it was all very clean and well maintained, and like I said, we were all laughing so hard we could hardly talk, so I would say, if you are ever in that part of the world - go for it. But be prepared to vacuum your car out and take a shower after :)

Favorite Quote

I guess it was about 10 years ago now, when my sister Erin and I were roommates, and I was having a rough time with some things. One day she gave me a little card, with the following written on it:

I believe I am always divinely guided
I believe I will always take the right road
I believe God will always make a way where there is no way

A Forest Lost in Trees

This is Duncan trying to put one doll shoe and one of Jefferson's shoes on his stuffed frog, he was very frustrated the frog couldn't keep them on. 2 year olds can be so fun sometimes.

Thank you all for your comments and thoughts on yesterdays post. I really appreciated each of your perspectives, and it helped me step back a bit and look at the bigger picture and not stress about the details so much.

Erin sent me an email, and I wanted to post part of it, because I thought it was great -

About the shirt . . . I totally know what you mean. I like the quote, "don't take council from your fears." Today I was reading a book that said something like, 'We live in a universe that says 'YES!' It is a YES universe. If we believe we will fail, it says YES. If we believe there is a scarcity of something, it says 'YES!' If we believe the world is a dangerous place, it says 'YES!' But if we believe in abundance, it says 'YES!' If we believe in things turning out for the best, it says 'YES!'" Also, when I met with Kirk yesterday he was saying how our brain makes lists of evidence of things. For example, if we believe the future is insecure, we make a list of evidence in our brain to support that; when we want to ACT against that belief, it's pretty much impossible for us to do so because our brain says, "There's no EVIDENCE for that! I CAN'T do that!"

So he said if we want to change our beliefs and our action habits, we have to start actively recording/looking for/creating evidence for the thing we want to believe. Anyway, about Jeff making friends, I think in the end the shirt is only important in that it has given you greif. It will not matter WHAT he wears, really, in the end. What matters most is that you love him (which you do) and that you believe in him (which you do.) I know he'll make friends; he'll be successful; he'll have fun. He's a smart, friendly kid.

I really liked that . I know I already talked about the book The Social Animal the other day, but that quote made me think of that book, and how much what we unconsciously believe influences our actions. And so I have been trying to be more aware of the limiting thoughts I have, and change them for more positive ones.

Know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em

Sometimes as a parent I have a really hard time knowing when to give in and when to stand fast to a "rule".

Today I have 2 cases which I can't figure out if I should hold 'em or fold 'em.

Character t-shirts and honey nut cheerios.

First cheerios. I grew up in a house that rarely ate cold cereal. Actually only on Sunday mornings. and we had 2 cereal choices - plain cheerios and corn flakes. Sometimes on extra special occasions (like camping or something) we'd have kix.

Jefferson won't eat cold cereal at all, but Duncan likes it, and recently, with me sleeping more than usual, we've been having it for breakfast a couple times a week. So I generally just pull out the cheerios and rice krispies in the morning, and then let Duncan choose which one he wants. So my problem comes in here - Grant, who grew up in a lucky charms/cap'n crunch house, doesn't like plain cereal much, so I buy honey nut cheerios for him. Well, on Sunday Grant was eating honey nut cheerios, and Duncan wanted some cereal, so he gave him a bowl.

Then this morning I went into the kitchen and asked Duncan if he wanted some cereal, and he said "no" and ran into our room. Grant asked him if he wanted some cereal, and he said "Yes, big cereal". Grant takes him in the kitchen, pulls out rice krispies and plain cheerios, and asks him which he wants, and he says "No! Big Cereal!!!" So Grant pulls out honey nut cheerios, and Duncan says "Yes!". I'm not entirely sure why honey nut cheerios are big cereal to him, but now I feel like if I let him start eating honey nut cheerios he'll never eat the less-sweet cereal again. But I don't know if I'm just being dumb, and it really doesn't matter. I mean, cold cereal in general is not exactly a health food, so does it really matter if he's eating plain cheerios vs honey nut?

Then t-shirts. For some reason I really don't like character t-shirts, and I think until yesterday I've never bought my kids any clothes or shoes with characters on them. I guess I've bent the rule a bit when it comes to free shirts/shoes/toys we've gotten from Animal Planet/Discovery Channel, but I'm pretty strict about disney characters and the like. And now that I am typing this out I can't even clearly say why I dislike them so much.

But when we were at the ward campout last week, one of the mom's was talking about how her son had a hard time going up to new kids and making friends, so for his first day of preschool she bought him a pair of Thomas the Train shoes that made "Choo choo!" noises when you walk, and the treads on them looked like train tracks, and a Thomas the Train t-shirt. And she said it worked. Kids would walk up and be like "I like thomas the train." And her boy would say "me too". And it gave them a reason to talk to each other, which led to making some friends.

I admit, I'm nervous about Jefferson making friends in Kindergarten. When we are places with lots of kids he doesn't know well he will often just stay by me, and ask me to come play with him. I'll tell him he can join in playing with the other kids, but he feels like he needs a personal invitation from someone, and won't join unless he happens to get one.

Now I don't think Thomas the Tank would get Jefferson very far in Kindergarten, but Jefferson loves the wii. Much more then I wish he did. Enough that most days I just want to get rid of our wii. But I admit it's kind of saving me this pregnancy, because I really can't seem to make it through the day without a nap, and I need something to keep him occupied while Duncan and I nap, and so it's usually wii. His favorite game is Super Mario Galaxy, which he can talk about for hours. Literally.

Yesterday I was looking online for sales for school clothes for Jefferson, and he was looking over my shoulder, and he saw a Mario t-shirt, and he said "Oh cool, they have shirts with Mario on them!". And so last night for a surprise I bought him a Mario t-shirt for his first day of school. But now I'm doubting myself, wondering if its a dumb idea and I'm starting down a slippery slope to... What? I guess just commercialization in general is what I want to avoid, but it's so prevalent in todays world, I don't know if I'm being a stickler over something dumb and unimportant.

So what would you do in these cases??

Netflix and internet

Grant sent me this article today
http://techcrunch.com/2011/08/16/netflix-now-for-kids/

And I'm happy about that. I hope they continue with more changes to make a more customizable, kid friendly experience.

I've been trying turning my computer of during the days recently except for a couple set times when I check and respond to emails and such, and it's been such a welcome change in my days. There are times it's annoying when I want to look something up really quickly, and I can't because the computer is not on, but overall very nice.

Social Animals and Sensitivity

I've been reading the book "How to Teach Your Child Sensitivity" by Linda and Richard Eyre, as well as The Social Animal by David Books. They are both books I highly recommend, and they have led me to the goal of working on one mental skill (I don't know if that's the phrase I want, but I can't think of a better one at the moment...) a week. I'm roughly following the schedule laid out in the Eyre book, but adapting it a bit.

This week we are working on looking at people in the eyes when we're speaking to them or being spoken too. We talked about this at dinner yesterday, and started then, and I admit it's been a bit harder then I thought it would be. Already I've realized how often I'm distracted when I'm talking to my family.

So here's to change!

Whom Ye Will Serve

Today in Relief Society we talked about Service, and there was a quote I really liked:

"We become more significant individuals as we serve others. We become more substantive as we serve others - indeed it is easier to 'find' ourselves because there is so much more of us to find" - Spencer W. Kimball

I had just on Friday been talking to a friend about the struggle of figuring out things that remind you of what makes you uniquely you. I feel like so often in trying to be an individual I'm just copying other people who I view as different. And I think my personality is a very adaptable one, which can be good at times, but sometimes I think I just become like whoever I'm around, and I don't really know what I would be if I were alone for any given length of time.

Anyways, back to the quote, it seems very counter-intuitive that service is a key to finding yourself. I think most things would tell you that in order to find yourself you need to spend time alone, doing things you enjoy. So I've been thinking about this quote, and trying to figure it out.

Here's my train of thought so far - Service builds love of others and self esteem, and as we love ourselves and others more, we are more able to accept ourselves for what we are, and others for what they are. As we become more comfortable in our skin we can stop trying to copy others or envying their talents and focus more on our talents and creating what we can? Maybe?

Still Water Runs Deep

I've been studying the book Cultural Literacy by Hirsch trying to get ready for my finals, and I was reading the chapter on Idioms a couple weeks ago, and read
"Still water runs deep - A persons calm exterior often conceals great depths of character"

And for some reason that stuck with me. Right when I read it I thought "I want that! I want to be that!". I want to have, and for my children to have, the depth of character and confidence in the Lord that gives an innate calmness to life.

Today I read a talk called "Rest Unto Your Souls" y Elder Per G. Malm, and loved it. As I started reading it I thought "This is about being the still water that runs deep!", so I wanted to write a couple quotes down from it.

"Just like a young tree grows bit by bit into a sturdy tree, so we can grow step by step in our capacity to be solid and filled from the inside out"

"In our day-to-day actions it is often the small and simple things that will have lasting impact. What we say, how we act, and how we choose to react will influence not only ourselves but also those around us. We can build up, or we can tear down"

"When we learn to handle the small and simple daily things in a wise and inspired way, the result is a positive influence that will solidify harmony in our souls and build up and and strengthen those around us"

I really liked the focus on just the small, daily, things we do. I guess I feel so far from being "still water running deep", but this helped me feel like I can just focus on being calmer and clearer in the my small daily actions, and the practice of changing in the small things can eventually help me change in the bigger things too.

Fear

Kindergarten registration is coming up, and I can't believe I have a little boy old enough to go to kindergarten. Kindergarten open houses are happening right now, and then next month is registration. So I've been spending quite a bit of time trying to figure out what I am doing.

I think I am different than most people in that to me homeschooling seems like the easiest, least stressful choice. I don't know if it's over-confidence, but the idea of homeschooling just seems like such a simple one to me. I guess it's because I grew up homeschooled, I don't know.

Anyways, I've been contemplating homeschooling a lot, because I want to make sure that whatever choice I make, I make it for the right reasons. I don't want to homeschool only because it's a less stressful choice.

This week I was finally able to put a finger on what it was about the choice that I think it is that's bothering me - I don't want whatever decision I make to be a fear-based choice. I don't want my reason for homeschooling to be because I'm afraid of public schools, or afraid of the curriculum they'll use or afraid of the influence of other kids. And I don't want my reason to public school to be a fear of not being able to give him all an entire school system can.

I just don't want whatever decision I make to be based on fear.

I was thinking about the song "Lead Kindly Light"

"Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th'encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus,
nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path;
but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

The bold lines have always been my favorite, and tonight I was thinking of the symbolism of standing into a doorway, with a brightly lit room behind you, walking into the dark, not knowing what lies ahead. I was thinking that that choice, of walking into the dark, can ONLY be a choice of faith. The fear-based choice will always take you back, to the light, to the "garish day", where although the options may be bleak, at least we can stare them in the face and know what they are.

Anyways, I feel like I'm always writing half-thoughts. But I just wanted to type that out while it was fresh on my mind.

A Room With A View

I just finished "A Room With A View"by E.M. Forster. At first I did not like it very much, it took me 3 weeks to read the first 2 chapters. I just couldn't really get into it, all the characters seems affected and annoying or to obscure to really understand at all.

But this last weekend I determined I must finish it since book club is this week, so I began to plow my way through. As I got more involved in the story I became less and less able to put the book down, but it got more and more painful to read, at points I could hardly stand it. I wanted to SCREAM at Lucy "You stupid goose! Stop being an idiot and just be honest for once".

Sadly, I think the most painful part was just how close to home her actions hit me. In her stupid attempts to be "right" I could see myself and my own stupid attempts to be right, and it was just so awful. One good (?) thing about the Kindle, it stops me from my old trick of just skipping chapters when I am annoyed with them, to come back to them later, because navigating back and forth like that is just too much work, so I just keep on plowing through. I think in the case of this book it was a good thing, because I really just needed to accept that:

A. It is utterly annoying, and childish, and deplorable how girls can act when they feel wronged or not good enough or confused
B. I must stop being like that!!! It's truly unacceptable.

Just this week, I got frustrated over a snag we ran into trying to find a hotel for San Fran, and spent an entire evening not talking to Grant, and now I can't even tell you clearly why. Why can't I just set aside my stupid pride and just talk like a grown up about things instead of saying "Just do whatever you want. I couldn't care less. This whole thing is stupid." And then being a complete baby all night long.

Anyways, that seemed to be the whole point that Forester was trying to make - In society and life we spend so much effort trying to be something we think we should be, and in doing so we end lying to ourselves and everyone else and making quite the "muddle" as he says of it all.

Trying to honestly be yourself is much harder than it seems like it should be sometimes though. But I can at least put effort into trying to recognize when I'm being petulant and false and stop it instead of just running with it. I'm determined! I'm not going to be Miss Bartlett anymore!

A Run in with the law

Not really, but I do mentions both running and laws in this post.

I have had some serious inability-to-write-anything-itis.

So this is me, just writing SOMETHING to hopefully start writing again.

I've been dreaming of learning to run recently. I have never been a fit person, and I do want to be. I read blogs of runners, and feel so inspired, but also overwhelmed. Running seems like it should be so simple, no? So why does it feel so... Impossible to me? I don't know. But I'm determined to figure it out. I even bought one of these S2H watches hoping maybe it would inspire me? Silly, I know, but I'm desperate.

Another thing I've been thinking about recently are spiritual laws. How we tend to pay quite a bit of attention to physical laws, like gravity, but not so much to the laws that we have the option of following. Like Justice is referred to as a law in the scriptures. The day I was first thinking of this I read this quote by Boyd K. Packer:
"There are both moral and physical laws 'irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world' that can not be changed"

And also this scripture, in D&C 88:34 -
That which is governed by law is also preserved by law, and perfected and sanctified by the same

Anyways, I don't really have an end for that thought, it has just been interesting to think about for some reason.

Not Enough Alone

I was told I could be
Anything (everything?)

I believed that needing
Was less than being

Head held high,
Solitude was my strength
But not my comfort

Things change though, don't they?

I am no longer ashamed to admit,
Without you I am (not w)hole

In this eternal Journey
Alone only gets you so far

And that is not enough for me

So like it or not
You are stuck with me

Together we can Be
Everything

Let There Be Light

The other day when I was reading my scriptures I read the Matthew 6:22 which says:

The light of the body is the eye:
if therefore thine eye be single,
thy whole body shall be full of light.

So I've been thinking about light, and being single to something, and what my eyes have to do with all of it.

The other morning I had one of those mornings where everything just seemed... I don't know if perfect is the right word, but everything just felt so simple. The boys were happy, we played, the house was neat, I knew what I was making for dinner and knew I had everything for it, we didn't have anywhere we had to go... Anyways, it was just a really nice morning. And as I put the boys down for their naps I just wished I could maintain the peace I felt at that moment forever.

As I thought about the things that contributed to that morning going well, at least the aspects of it that I could control, I decided the top 2 were:
1. I had woken up early and studied my scriptures, and then I had exercised
2. I had banned myself from the computer for the morning

I seriously am amazed at the difference I feel in my days when I start them by studying the scriptures. I truly feel a tangible power that allows me to feel calmer and more clear-thinking. I still make mistakes (oh so many!) and I still have problems, but I feel so much more even.

And I'm also amazed at the computers ability to distract me almost CONSTANTLY. It was incredible how often that morning I thought "Oh, I'll just run in and email so and so really quick" or "I'll just run in and look that up" and then I had to stop myself and remember I wasn't using the computer that morning.

Anyways, back to the scripture, I thought about what my purpose is right now, and how I can be single to that. How if I can keep my eyes, both my inner and physical eyes, focused on the things that are REALLY important to me, that I can be "full of light". I can keep that feeling of balance and clear-headed-ness about me.

I feel like I'm bouncing all over, but I guess I'm just still thinking through this and trying to figure it out. Back to the internet, G has been reading the book What Technology Wants, and he often reads me sections of it, and last night I started reading it too. From what I've gotten so far, I can't recommend this book enough if you want to think about the impact technology has on your life. But it has started me really thinking about the technology I use in my day to day life, and trying to be a little more thoughtful in the way I use it, and make sure it is not one of the things that is distracting me from "being single" in my purpose. I have just read the first chapter, but one line is loved was (and I feel like I am doing a disservice sharing it out of context, but forgive me, and read the book!) "I became fascinated by the challenge of picking the few tools that might elevate my spirit".

So that's my goal today, to think about the technology I'm using, and decide if how I'm using it is elevating my spirit, and keeping my eye single, or if it's just distracting me.

Menus and Change

Menus for this week:
Monday: Enchiladas, Crockpot Refried Beans
Tuesday: 2 Cheese Veggie Pasta
Wednesday: Tomato Avocado Sandwiches & Oven Fries
Thursday: Vegetarian Black Bean Chili via Martha Stewart
Friday: - Falafel & Hummus
Saturday: - Broccoli Quiche
Sunday - Szuchan Beef

And the second item of business on our agenda today is - Change.

Being the New Year and all I've been hearing/thinking quite a bit about change. I've been thinking about how there are very few decisions in our life that we just make 1 time. For example, if I decide I want to start exercising on a regular basis, I have to make that "resolution" if you will, but then I have to make that choice again, and again, each morning when my alarm goes off. Do I REALLY want to roll out of bed this early? Wouldn't 45 minutes of sleep be nicer?

While G was off for Christmas Break we spent a lot of time re-organizing and cleaning the house. When he went back to work it really looked quite spectacular. And of course I want to keep it that clean and nice all the time, so I am trying to train myself to keep making that choice every day. It's just SO many little choices. Putting the coats away vs. hanging them over the couch. Cleaning up lunch right away instead of after nap time (which usually turns into clearing off the table so I can set the table for dinner...)

Anyways, I've just been trying to figure out ways to make those smaller, continual choices that follow a big choice easier. Just being aware of them has helped. I am doing a little better at keeping the house clean (granted, it's been less than 2 weeks, so this is not a victory speech, but progress is being made). But I think there's something more to it that will help. I'm going to keep thinking about it... I'll report back when I have my Eureka moment.

Menus for this week

Here are my menus for the week:

Monday - Cabbage, Onions, Apples and Noodles
Tuesday - Corn tortillas with beans, tomatoes, lettuce, etc
Wednesday - Black and white checkered chili
Thursday - Cincinnati Chili
Friday - Baked potatoes
Saturday - ? I can't remember, hopefully I'll come back and add this in
Sunday - Something in the crockpot, with chicken

Nothing crazy exciting, but hopefully it will keep my family fed for a week.

Should Old Aquaintence Be Forgot....

Another New Year! Amazing.

And although it seems to be going out of style to set goals on New Years, I guess I am old fashioned, and will continue the tradition, as ill-fated as it may be.

I think the hardest part of making goals on New Years for me is narrowing down my options. I can think of about 1,542 areas in which improvement is sorely needed, but I think if I set even just 500 new years goals I would probably get overwhelmed, so I decided to try and narrow the it down to 2 areas I would like to focus on improvement.

So I've decided on Consistency and Forgiveness.

I tend to go in fits and spurts with so many things, and I was to just be more steady, more reliable.

Also forgiveness. I have a horrible habit of holding onto things, the tiniest of things, and making mountains out of molehills, especially with Grant, which is so lame. I guess I take some sort of odd pleasure in the feeling of being "right", like "Well, he did ____________, and he shouldn't of done that, so I'll show him by not talking to him for an hour". Which typed out sounds so childish and lame, and it is. And I'm determined to change and be better. Most of the "insults" are not even intentional on his part I'm sure.

So there you have it. I'm off to have a cup of hot chocolate. Because I need to be more consistent in my hot chocolate drinking I think.