Fear

Kindergarten registration is coming up, and I can't believe I have a little boy old enough to go to kindergarten. Kindergarten open houses are happening right now, and then next month is registration. So I've been spending quite a bit of time trying to figure out what I am doing.

I think I am different than most people in that to me homeschooling seems like the easiest, least stressful choice. I don't know if it's over-confidence, but the idea of homeschooling just seems like such a simple one to me. I guess it's because I grew up homeschooled, I don't know.

Anyways, I've been contemplating homeschooling a lot, because I want to make sure that whatever choice I make, I make it for the right reasons. I don't want to homeschool only because it's a less stressful choice.

This week I was finally able to put a finger on what it was about the choice that I think it is that's bothering me - I don't want whatever decision I make to be a fear-based choice. I don't want my reason for homeschooling to be because I'm afraid of public schools, or afraid of the curriculum they'll use or afraid of the influence of other kids. And I don't want my reason to public school to be a fear of not being able to give him all an entire school system can.

I just don't want whatever decision I make to be based on fear.

I was thinking about the song "Lead Kindly Light"

"Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th'encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus,
nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path;
but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

The bold lines have always been my favorite, and tonight I was thinking of the symbolism of standing into a doorway, with a brightly lit room behind you, walking into the dark, not knowing what lies ahead. I was thinking that that choice, of walking into the dark, can ONLY be a choice of faith. The fear-based choice will always take you back, to the light, to the "garish day", where although the options may be bleak, at least we can stare them in the face and know what they are.

Anyways, I feel like I'm always writing half-thoughts. But I just wanted to type that out while it was fresh on my mind.