And lies...

I lied to you yesterday. I'm not going to write more about honesty today. I meant to, honestly I did. Okay, enough of that.

But really, I stayed up too late, and Duncan has a croup-y sounding cough, so things are not looking bright for a lot of sleep tonight.

But I did get the boys room fabulously clean today, which feels very nice. I even dusted the heater vents and floor boards. And I'm making progress in the sewing room (or the computer room, as Grant calls it :)). It looks like a disaster right now, but I have 2 full garbage bags and a sack full of fabric for the fabric sale. And all my fabric now fits on my shelf. So yes, progress is being made.

I'm going to try and sleep now before Duncan wakes up again. Poor little guy, he wakes up coughing and crying, and I go pick him up and he starts signing "more", which means he wants a drink of water, and then he just cries and buries he face in my chest like "Mom, I'm just miserable. Make me better." It's really heart breaking.

Honesty

So I said I was going to not eat sugar until the 4th of July... And I failed. I did really good for the first little bit, and then Grant's dad bought me some fudge, and I felt bad saying no, so I was like "I'll just eat this one thing..." and then after I ate the fudge I just was like "Oh, I already ruined it, what's the use?". And I've just been a failure at not eating sugar since then.

And I'm really ashamed to admit it. I mean, seriously??? I can't go without sugar for a stinkin' two weeks? So I'm kind of mad at myself.

More on honesty with myself tomorrow, Grant needs help packing to leave me again at 5:00 tomorrow morning... :(

Home Alone

I never liked that movie. The whole movie just makes me cringe.

Anyways, Grant is in NYC tonight for work, so I'm home alone. I guess growing up in the middle of 7 kids didn't give me a lot of chance to get used to being alone. In any case, I don't like it. I'm not even alone, the boys are here, but I just miss having Grant around, he makes me feel so much safer for some reason.

I had knitting here tonight to distract me from the fact I am alone, but now everyone is gone. *sigh*

Recently I've been thinking (I feel like I use that phrase every single day...) about growing up, and feeling more comfortable in my skin. I remember being a teenager, and just worrying about... Everything. My clothes, my hair, the size of my feet, my teeth, my makeup, exactly how righteous I needed to be to go to heaven when I died, just everything.

I still worry about things, but I feel like in general, I am just so much more comfortable with just being a person. Maybe you just have to grow into existence. Maybe it's a bad thing to be comfortable? Maybe you are more driven when you are uncomfortable?

But it's kind of nice.

Art & Copy

We just watched this documentary, and I loved it. It was so inspiring to me, I just felt like there's no reason we can't change the world. That we can't do something big, and great. There's a part where someone says something about a few good people working together is all it takes, and I thought of the amazing people I know, and I just kept thinking "we can do this!"

Now to figure out what "this" is.

I need a new attitude about hard things, like not looking at them as a dreadful thing to survive, but as.. I can't think of an analogy I really like, but maybe like a gate to greener pastures, or a pathway to a new adventure. Anyways, I think hard things are part of life regardless, but I need to learn to use them to my advantage and not fight them.

Grant is leaving town for NYC for work 2 days tomorrow, and then he comes back and goes straight to scout camp for 3 days, so I'm on my own with the boys this week. I'm hoping to get the sewing/computer room really organized as a surprise for him while he's gone, but I'll really have to work hard whenever the boys are down to get it done. Organizing yarn and fabric with little ones in the same room is somewhat counter-productive, it's just too tempting for them not to help :). So hopefully I can keep on task. Maybe I should just not turn on the computer in that room while he's gone, the main reason I first get on it during the days usually is to IM him or see if he's in a meeting or what not. Yes, I think that's a good idea. I'll turn off Papa G for Grant's trip, and I'll write on Kristine, which I usually do anyways.

Well, I'd best get to bed.

If at first you don't succeed...

Last night I was watching Jefferson try a game, and every time he struggled with an answer I would yell the right answer in from the other room. And then I realized I do that all the time. And how that probably isn't good for Jefferson. So that's a goal - let Jefferson and Duncan figure things out and do things on their own more. My mantra for the day - things don't have to be perfect all the time, and honest mistakes are okay. The last thing we need around here are more perfectionists, so I ought to do what I can not to breed it into them ;).

And hard things. I forgot to write anything yesterday, but sadly I didn't do anything really impressive. I This morning in the shower I decided I need to try a little bit harder at doing hard things, and decided I've been eating too much junk food recently anyways, so I decided no more sugar until 4th of July. Which is only like 2 weeks away. So nothing huge, but at least it will keep me from eating all Jeff's popcicles for a couple weeks.

Tomorrow we are going to Atlantic City for a day, I've never been there, so I'm excited to go see what its like.

Good Things to Come

I love this video.

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=bd163ca6e9aa3210VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD&locale=0

It reminded me of A. My life is so good! B. The best is yet to be.

This morning I read the talk "And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit"
https://beta.lds.org/liahona/2010/05/and-upon-the-handmaids-in-those-days-will-i-pour-out-my-spirit?lang=eng&format=conference&view=sessions

And I felt like I was underlining every other line. Some favorite parts were "The ability to qualify for, receive and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life." "Revelation can come hour by hour and moment by moment as we do the right things" "Promised personal revelation comes when we ask for it, prepare for it, and go forward in faith, trusting that it will be poured out upon us" I LOVE that - "Trusting that it will be poured out upon us".

She had a quote from Eliza R. Snow (who lived in the late 1800's) - "Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities."

I am inspired to complain less and to work harder at improving myself.

Sweet Black Bean Burritos

That is what we are having for dinner tonight, and I'm excited. They are delicious.

I keep typing things and then erasing them. I am excessively tired, and can't seem to properly complete a thought. Something I don't really do even on the best of days, but today... I can't even think of a decent analogy of how I can't seem to think clearly today.

I will try again later if I can get a quiet moment this evening.

For now, the hard things I've done today -
- Stayed up after getting Duncan settled back down at 5:30 this morning
- Finished an exercise video again :)

Just Do it - Thank you Nike.

Today has been a little hectic - menu planning, grocery shopping, feeding kids, dropping them off, signing papers on the car loan, rushing Grant to work for a call, picking up the kids... Now we are home and everyone crashed. Except me. I'm wanting to crash but am trying to resist.

But this will be short because I have lots that needs to happen still before this day is through.

My thought for the day is - Why not do it now?

That is what I keep saying to myself as I go throughout the day. This goes back to procrastination, but as I do things instead of leaving something to do later (wiping the table off after breakfast for example) I'm trying to think "This will have to be done at some point, and it will probably never be amazingly convenient, so why not do it now and enjoy a clean table all morning instead of doing it right before lunch?"

As for hard things, I am not good at remembering the hard things I did the day before, which is probably proof-positive that I am not doing hard enough things. Dang it. But the hard things I did today are:
1. A complete exercise video. I tend to start them (even that very rarely) and then quit half way through when it seems not fun anymore.
2. I didn't want to do menus or grocery shopping today, but I just made myself do it, and then I even went to 2 different stores so I could buy the things that cost less at each of them to save money.

That's all I guess.

Stewardship

I have been thinking about stewardships today, and trying to clarify what mine are. First I'm trying to give names to the general categories my responsibilities fall under. Here's what I've come up with so far:

At home:
As Grant's Wife

The Boys Mother

As keeper of the house/creator of the kind of space I want my family to live in

Daughter/Sister/Daughter-in-law/Sister-in-law

At church:
As a visiting teacher

Activities Committee

And I think you have some kind of stewardship just as a member of society/humanity.

What else???

I also was thinking this morning about how having things I'm responsible is a beautiful thing. The privilege it is to be capable of being a steward over something. And also that I am responsible to God for my stewardships. And that he will help and bless me as I work on improving my stewardhips.

That's all I've been thinking so far.

As for yesterdays post and hard things, I still haven't thought of a way to motivate myself/track what I'm doing that I love, but here are some hard things I did yesterday.
- I didn't eat that big, soft sugar cookie. Harder than it sounds.
- I didn't take a nap during the boys nap time and instead worked on things around the house.
- I swear I was doing other things during the day that I thought were hard, but I can't think of them right now.

That doesn't sound very impressive, but I guess it's a start.

Signing off for the weekend,
~Anna

Hard things

But not hard like rocks.

Last night I was thinking about doing hard things, and I think for a while I might try and use this blog to chronicle my attempts to do more hard things in my life. I haven't clearly decided a format yet. I'm thinking maybe I'll try and write 3 hard things I did in the last day? I'm not sure. They will not often be big or grand things, just simple things that seemed hard, but I did them anyways.

I'm hoping that over time as I work on doing small hard things here and there I'll get better at it, and I'll get better at choosing the hard thing vs the easy thing more often. And my hope is I'll be a better person because of it.

I've been thinking about my physical body today, and the connection between our spiritual selves and our physical selves. And today I'm thinking that connection is a lot more important than sometimes I tend to think it is. That improvement in either part of me is an improvement of the whole.

I don't have anything profound to say yet, my thoughts on the issue are still pretty unformed but I've just been thinking about it, and I'm trying to figure it out.

So I'm off to try and do something hard, perhaps for now it will just be not taking a nap while my boys are napping and trying to finish formatting moms book.

Signing off,
~Anna

Change?

I saw this today for the first time:

http://www.youtube.com/mormonmessages#p/a/u/1/KHDvxPjsm8E

And it's beautiful. I think NieNie is so strong.

And I'm ashamed to admit I that as I watched the video I hoped I never have to be strong like that.

And I'm ashamed at how little I'm doing to be strong in my own life. How rarely I really make myself do hard things.

I guess that's all for today.

Grandma and Grandpa

We didn't buy a car on Friday - Phew. We went to Carmax and met the nicest car salesman, I'm guessing the nicest one in existence. He sat us down at his desk, and talked about the best times of year to buy new cars, and car loans, and selling cars. I learned a lot. It was all rather providential I think.

I was reading my cousins blog this morning, and she had some of her favorite memories of Grandma & Grandpa Reynolds, and I starting thinking of my own, so I decided to type them out.

I remember when they would come visit us in Nevada, and they would drive their truck pulling their trailer, and usually stop along the way to go fishing. My mom usually didn't let us get in their trailer, so I thought it was magical.

My grandma had a cupboard under her stove that she always had crackers in for us, her favorites were the little tiny ritz cracker sandwiches with cheese whip in the middle. I think it was also from her cupboard that I developed a love of chicken-in-a-biscuits.

I remember Grandpa always said "Hey Turkey" when he would see one of us little ones coming, and I thought it was so funny. I remember choosing books from magical built in bookshelf just with kids books on it, and him reading them to me. Above the books were a game cupboard, and when we would come visit Grandma often had a new game in their for us. One of my favorites was this fishing game, you had a little boat you would move around a lake and draw fish cards of different types and sizes of fish.

They had a beautiful, huge garden in their backyard. Every morning Grandpa would work in the vegetable garden and Grandma in her flower beds. Their yard was huge and always meticulously groomed.

When I was reading Brittney's blog she wrote about eating breakfast with Grandpa, and I laughed, because I always thought that was only my special Grandpa thing. I would wake up at 5:30, and go downstairs, and Grandpa would be cooking his breakfast. Until the Dr. told him he needed to start eating oatmeal for breakfast he made the same thing almost every day - One fried egg, a couple pieces of bacon, and hash browns. I can remember watching him peel and grate the potatoes, and how long they took to cook, because he always cooked them on med-low. I remember talking politics with him, even though I really knew nothing at all about them. I mostly just repeated what he had just said like I had thought it myself.

It was very sad to me when he stopped getting up and making those breakfasts.

When I was a young teen she would have my dad drive us down and drop us off in the morning on his way to work, and we would help with house cleaning and yard work. The main job I had was carrying her vacuum up and downstairs because they had a really heavy vacuum and she couldn't get it up and downstairs very easily.

I lived with my grandma on and off starting at 16. I wish I helped her nearly as much as she helped me. I have so many good memories of my time there. Our usual daily routine of me coming home from work, she would have dinner out, we would eat, clean up, go sit in the living room and watch her shows while we crocheted or did hand sewing things.

My Grandma always made me feel like I could do anything.

I miss her so much.

Procrastination

I had a whole post written on Procrastination, mostly because it started with P and I had a P thing going, but it was really boring. And it can all be summed up in 2 sentences:
Grants family is super awesome, and have taught me a lot about not procrastinating.
I want to be more like them, so I'm going to try and procrastinate less.

Now that that is said, I'm going to write about something that is kind of weighing on my mind right now:

Buying cars.

Grant wants to buy a car today and I am scared silly. Spending money in general is stressful for me, even just grocery shopping stresses me out because of how much it costs. So car shopping... Is not fun. Our last car purchase happened rather quickly. Our Subaru Forester (which I loved by the way) started doing really weird things, we took it into the repair shop, and they said it would be $5500 to fix it. We had been putting about $1000 into the car every 6 months for a while, so we decided not to fix it and move on.

And then the car died literally as we pulled into a Ford Dealership. Let me just say, a lot of reasoning and bargaining power went out the window.

Anyways, when it comes to car buying I have this constant battle in my head -
voice a "You should buy an older, expensive car, they last forever"
voice b"No way! You'll be dumping money into an old car all the time. Buy a cheap newer car. Newer cars have less problems"
And it goes back and forth and back and forth. Cheaper, newer car or more expensive older car.

And it never ends. As soon as I've decided on one thing the advantages of the other start an unordered list (with bullet points as opposed to numbers, because that would make things too organized) in my head.

So I'm stressed about buying a car. And I don't have any answers about car buying. And that's really all I have to say. Just that I don't know and I'm stressed. And I wish I did know.

But here's a really good quote I read this morning:
To live greatly we must develop the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness and triumph with humility
-Thomas S. Monson

So off I go to face car buying with courage.

Passion vs. Paying the Bills

It looks like this weeks letter is P. Priorities, Passion, Paying bills.

I guess today's title should be Passion AND Paying the Bills. Trying to live life passionately and pay the bills at the same time.

Every once in a while Grant and I sit and talk about our "ideal" life - where we want to live, what we want to do for income, what our house would be like, etc. And sometimes we want to just pick up and go, and start living our "dream".

And then we remember we have 2 kids. Who depend on us for food, shelter, etc. And really, it's not like our life right now is bad. At all. It's actually quite nice. Grant has a good job, works with great people in an interesting company with great benefits, we rent a cute little house in a nice neighborhood not far from Grant's work.

Even just typing all that, I feel guilty for even thinking I want anything different for my life, because really we are so blessed. But I do want something different, I really do. I want to live somewhere my boys can run outside and build forts and ride bikes and climb trees. I want Grant around more. I want to be close to other people who want the same things we want for our families. I want to be closer to family.

So here's where I struggle. How do I "advance confidently in the direction of my dreams" while still being grateful, responsible, and passionate today? Is there a point where you need to decide THIS is your reality, and you need to stop trying to create another one? I do feel like I am often waiting for the stars to align to start this-that-or-the-other, and I need to start using my time more wisely and doing some of the things I want to do today. So I guess thats a start.

This post is very dis-jointed. And I don't have a nice paragraph to wrap it up. But I'm still mulling it over.

For now I'm going to end with a quote again, by Thoreau.
“As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler"

So here's to simplification.

Writing

I've recently felt I should start writing something every day. So here I go. These will mostly just be ramblings, so sorry for the rough-ness of them.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about priorities, and how my priorities shift over time. And how much those shifting priorities change my day-to-day life. There are times when my priorities seem clear, and it seems fairly straight-forward keeping on task. And then there are days where everything seems so pressing, almost crushing, and I feel like I'm drowning in things that need to be done. This past year I've felt like that a lot.

So I've been trying to figure out what is really necessary in my life, what is really important. There are so many nice and good things that I want to do, that sometimes it's hard for me to admit that something may not be what I need to be doing most right now. And there are other things that sometimes feel like they could be dispensable, but for one reason or another I feel like I need to make them more of a priority in my life.

Like writing. I don't really even know why I need to be writing, but as I've pondered my priorities I've just felt like I should be writing daily. So here I go.

I am going to end with this quote I got from my mom that I am really loving recently:

The moment one commits oneself, then Providence moves, too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. . .
German philosopher Johan von Goethe