Wednesday, January 21, 2015

To Be Enough

Last year I listened to the audio book for And Both Were Young, by Madeline L'Engle. I don't have the exact quote since I was listening to it instead of reading it, but there was one line in it that stood out to me. It was something along the lines of:

"She is a very nice girl, when she is not too caught up in feeling sorry for herself"

I thought about how much time I spend feeling sorry for myself, and how quick I am to think of the "hardship" in my own life, and how little time I spend thinking about the hard things that other people might be going through.

The move to Ohio has been hard in ways that I didn't anticipate, but there is so much good about it, and I feel like I keep going through this same cycle of being on a high and loving life and being able to be really grateful for the things that are going well, and then the next day I'll be in such a dark place, just feeling really overwhelmed and like I'm just not cutting it, and so desperate, and I really want to stop. I just want to stop feeling like I'm only okay if I know the people around me are happy, I want to be someone who is loving and kind and loves myself even when I make mistakes, especially when I make mistakes in front of other people.

I don't think I fully realized how much I need others approval until now that I'm living in someone else's house, and I spend so much time agonizing over if I'm doing enough, and doing things right, and I get SO anxious when things don't go as planned or when I don't do things the way that I think I should have. And it's really impacting the way I parent, and my inner peace, and I want to stop.

So I'm trying to find ways to stay focused on the positive, and to let go of the feelings of not being enough, and to find my sense of self-worth in His love. I think it will help if when I start to feel overwhelmed and sorry for myself if I try and step back and think of how this must be for Grant, and Dad, and the boys, and focus more on the love I show instead of my busy-ness.

So my goal for tomorrow is to when I start to feel that anxiety build up inside me to stop whatever I am doing, and do something to show love to someone in my life who is going through something hard. And really, who isn't going through something hard?

2 comments:

Spencer and Julia said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. I'm sure you are handling it with much more grace than you realize but I know I do the same things. I admire your willingness to change.

AnnaM said...

Thank you Julia! I just re-read this post and realized it sounds rather dramatic... I am not very good at moderating my attempts at writing :). How are you all doing? I hope we can get together when the weather warms up a bit, I'm so excited to see you!