Help Thou Mine Unbelief

Tonight I was reading Luke's account in the New Testament of the birth of the Savior. As I was reading chapter 2, the classic Christmas chapter, verse 19 stood out to me-

19. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.

I wondered why Luke had added that verse, what he meant by that. I pictured being Mary, the many months after the angel had come, of being pregnant, and having to travel during the 9th month, and ending up in a stable with my newborn baby. I wondered if even Mary sometimes had doubts about what was happening, if she was really and truly the mother of a God. Amid the hard of daily life, if sometimes she just thought "if this is right, then why am I not surrounded by miracles at every step?".

And so when these miracles did happen, when the shepherds came with tales of heavenly hosts, she grabbed those things and she held them, and kept them in her heart, where she could go back to them when things weren't going as smoothly.

 I love the story in Mark chapter 9 when Jesus is healing the boy "which hath a dumb spirit". Just before Christ heals the boy he looks at the father and asks if he believes.

24. And straightaway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

I can picture being that father, so desperate for help, and wanting so much to have enough faith needed to help my child, and pleading for help to make up the difference for my unbelief. Sometimes in life when I am doing something that I knew at one point to be right, but when it's gotten hard, and my initial vision isn't as clear as it once was, I start to wonder why doing the right thing has to be so hard.

In April 2013 General Conference Elder Holland gave a talk titled "Lord, I Believe" where he said:

When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your “unbelief.”... Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! So let us all remember the clear message of this scriptural account: Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don’t let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle.

I have often thought that even Moses, and Joseph Smith, had long periods of hard times, times where they weren't constantly administered by angels, where they were living every day normal life while simultaneously trying their best to figure out how to accomplish the divine work they had been given. I think that there must be something to moving forward in faith even when the initial clarity I had has worn off a little, and everything don't look entirely rosy anymore, and things aren't going exactly as I had planned.

Recently I've been struggling with the move to Ohio, why things are working out the way they are. It is really hard being here without Grant, and sometimes I wonder why he wasn't laid off in November when the other people were, it would have made so much more sense, and to me it feels like it would have been so much easier. So my goal for this week is to, as Elder Holland said, "be true to the faith I do have". I need to hold onto the moments of clarity I have had, and ponder them in my heart, so that on the hard days I can go back to that, and stop my questions from standing in the way of a miracle.