I've been thinking a bit about being good enough for... everything I guess. I feel like it's a constant pull, to be good enough for this or that. And how defensive I feel when I start to feel not good enough. I think a lot of my anger and sadness in life comes down to fear of not being good enough. I get angry at Jay when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know how to control the situation at hand. I get angry at Grant when I feel like I've failed or I feel like he's critical of me or my efforts in some area.
So I'm trying to figure out letting that go. How can I get to where I can say "I am a good enough person for the Lord to love. And His love is enough. If I am trying to be the kind of person he wants me to be, I can accept who I am. I am not perfect, but I can be loving and loved in my current state".
I do want to be more loving, and less... Needy. I feel like I want constant affirmations that I'm good enough, and I don't want to be like that.
On a somewhat related note, I started this little bit of prose the other day, but I don't know where I want it to go. It's a continuation of something I wrote a really long time ago. Anyways, here's what I've got so far.
ThemIt wasn’t them. The realization was all at once relieving and frightening. It wasn’t those brass eagles, with their fierce beaks and sharp claws. The holes in our rafts were from us. We floated along keeping our eyes on the eagles, covertly slashing holes in our own rafts, then screaming in anger at the eagles as we sank.
I guess we blamed the eagles because we didn’t understand the holes. Against all reason, they surprised us. Our ability to hurt something we needed, something that kept us afloat, without even flinching... just seemed wrong. And the eagles were there, just asking to be blamed.
That's all I have. I keep starting a 3rd paragraph and not liking it. I don't know what I want to say from there. Anyways, I think that is all for today.
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