I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go

Today in church we sang that song - I'll go where You want me to go, dear Lord, I'll be what you want me to be". And for some reason I almost cried. And I've been feeling a little sad about it all day.

I have a condition that I think I inherited from my dad where every year or so I start to feel like I want a change. Not like a change in hair color, but like "I want to pick up and move" change. My pre-married adult life I don't think I lived any one place longer than 3 or 4 months in a stretch. When we first got married I loved it here, and thought we'd be here forever. Then a little less than a year later I started to feel the itch, and we moved to Logan. 4 months later we moved to Cedar. 4 months in Cedar, 4 months in Seattle, 4 more months in Cedar. A year in Bountiful. A month in Argentina. Moved out here. I loved it out here again. We looked for a house to buy. But recently I've just been feeling that itch again. That "I want to be somewhere new..." feeling. I want to be closer to family. Suddenly the West coast is sounding much more magical then the East coast.

Well, maybe more magical isn't the right word, I love the East coast. I really do. But the West coast isn't sounding too shabby recently. Yesterday Grant and I spent an hour looking at train tickets. And we are insane, but we desperately want to take our family on a 3 day train ride across America. Stop overnight in Chicago and see Grant's friend Billy. Watch America pass by out the window of a sleeper car.

And then live in Portland. Or Seattle. Or somewhere else in the NW.

But then today we sang that song. And I just felt like, I don't know what I felt. Just this feeling that I need to let go of MY desires for where I want our family to be, and be willing to look for what God wants. And for some reason that's hard for me. What if he wants me to stay here? Like forever?

I mean, I know that if that's what's right for our family, it's what is right, and we will be happy, and life will be fulfilling and hard and perfect. But it's hard for me to let go of my visions of my future. And maybe my vision of the future is His vision of the future for our family too, and I just need to let it be on His timing, but that's hard too. Giving up control is something I have never been good at. I'm officially a control freak.

Really though, if there's one thing that I should have learned by now, is that the future is never what I think it will be. And the harder I hold onto one certain picture of what the future is going to be, the worse it is on me when things don't go quite as pictured. So why do I do this to myself? Why is it so hard for me to let go of the reigns, when really the reigns are just tied to a stick by my foot, and I'm not really controlling anything to begin with?

I'll go where You want me to go, I'll go where You want me to go, I'll go where You want me to go. I can do this.