Thoughts on Books

I've been listening to three different audio books recently that I've really been enjoying, they've been providing me with some great thought fodder. They are Grit by Angela Duckworth, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer.

Ms. Duckworth has been studying grit for years now, and wrote Grit about what she's learned about developing grit and how grit impacts our lives. I've realized that I have not really been focusing on grit in my life or in the life of my kids, and it's definitely a quality I could use a little more of. Or a lot more of. Probably a lot. I am definitely guilty of starting a ton of things and finishing very few of them.

She talks a lot about figuring out your... I can't remember what she called them, core interests? Or passion? I don't know, but the thing that you are most interested in, and doing daily, deliberate practice in that area. But I'm feeling a bit stuck because I don't know what that is for me. I like my kids and husband, and like reading books to try and improve in my parenting and spouse-ing skills, I like my dog, and like learning about dog training, I like writing, although every time I sit down to write I feel endlessly stupid, and I don't really feel like I have something life changing to write about,  I like reading case law, I like being outdoors and hiking, I like traveling and seeing new places, but there isn't one thing that stands out to me as something I am especially passionate about in a life-changing way. Anyway, for now I'm going to try and do daily, deliberate practice on writing, and just see what comes of that, if I start to feel like I have something to say, and if not, then... I give up on grit. Ha.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years is, I think a memoir? He talks a lot about one particular time of his life when he was working with a movie producer to make a movie from another book he'd written, which definitely was a memoir, and his thought on story, and creating stories, and living stories, and our need for story. I really like the idea about being more deliberate about the stories we are living. I feel like often I move through the motions of life without really looking at what I'm moving towards or why I have the particular goals I have, and I want to be more intentional about what I'm creating.

The Untethered Soul is one that a friend told me she was reading and liking it, and it was available on Overdrive so I gave it a shot. I haven't finished that one yet, but so far it's been about being aware of how our thoughts are separate from ourselves, and how much our thoughts influence how we experience and react to the world. And how we limit or hurt ourselves by holding onto our thoughts about different events, and how we can create more energy and joy in our lives by being more intentional with our inner selves. Anyway, I will say it's more out-there than the other two books, I think my dad would have described it as "hippy dippy", it's definitely not a book that I would tell everybody in the world they should read and will love, but it's been useful for me to spend some time being more aware of my thoughts, and I'm liking it overall.

I have to go get Jefferson, and I promised myself I'd hit publish on this before I left, so that's what I've got today, an un-edited rambling about some books I've been listening to.

Edges

"In permaculture there’s a principle called the “edge effect”. This is where two different ecosystems come up against each other and overlap. For many reasons, this region of overlap contains a great amount of biodiversity and productivity.

I love the edge effect in permaculture and I love the edge effect in life. I think about it every time we have a quarter moon and the light is meeting up against the dark. It’s the darkness of prior phases meeting up with the potential of what’s to come. Often during the quarter moons we experience that edge ourselves. Is there anything you are pushing towards or trying to step into? The space where we meet up against something new is the space where we have the opportunity to experience the most growth and productivity.

And dear luna...she reminds us to just keep pushing. Keep pushing towards light and manifestation - even if it’s hard right now. You are getting your most growth being on the edge and I whole-heartedly believe that you’ve got this."
- Heather from StoryLunaStory on Instagram


Heather's post on her StoryLunaStory account never fail to inspire me, and her post yesterday was no exception.  And it got me thinking about the edges in my life. About why so often I want to pull back from the edge, move away from areas of discomfort and stick to what feels known and safe. How often as I stand at the edge of the old and the new, looking forward into the unknown and then down or back into where I am or where I've been, I step back or stand still, for fear that when I start moving forward I won't know what I'm doing and will make a fool of myself. Because that edge area is grey and unsure, I'm still forming my opinions and figuring out my intentions. 

But there are several areas of my life where I've been feeling very stuck recently, and I'm realizing the course forward out of that stuck-ness might not always be direct and steady, that it's more likely a two-steps-forward-and-one-step-back type of journey. And if I don't make those two steps forward because I'm too afraid of needing to take a step back, I'll just stay stuck. 

So many parenting books I've been reading recently talk about the need for children to feel safe to make mistakes, to not feel like every misstep is a tragedy, but that the path to growth is lined with failed attempts. While it's been easy for me to see how that's true for my kids, I've been less willing to accept failure as part of growth in my own life. To stop letting those failed attempts feel so heavy and important and instead just let go of them and view them as an important part of my journey instead of proof that I'm not enough for the journey. 

Today, when I feel an edge between growth and stagnation, I'm going to try and resist that urge to pull back, and choose growth. 

Just Sitting

Karl sitting with his sweet little cousin 

Last night around 1:00 AM I heard Karl calling out for me. Every night this week I'd been up multiples times with either Karl or Simon, it had just been a rough sleep week around here, so I was not too thrilled.

I went into Karl's room and he was crying that his feet were bothering him. I examined them with the flashlight, and could see a few little blisters forming around his big toe, the source of our woes. 

We tried lotion, medicine, soaking his feet in water, socks on, socks off, everything I could think of to help his feet stop bothering him enough so that he could relax and go back to sleep, but two and a half hours later he was still crying and they were still bothering him, and I was exhausted. 

Finally he calmed down enough to climb back in bed, but he still wanted me with him. I curled up at the top of his bed above his pillow and rubbed his back and hair while he continued to toss and turn and whimper about his feet. I was tired and uncomfortable, and just wanted to go and climb back into my own bed, but when I asked him if he thought I could leave he started crying again, so I settled back down and continued rubbing his head. 

I'd been praying for ideas on how to help him, praying for him to be able to relax and fall back asleep, praying for patience, and as I lay there I began to pray "Please just help me be here for Karl. Help me have the strength just to sit with him while he needs me"

Sitting with people through hard things has never been something I've been good at. I am a pretty terrible listener (which I'm really trying to work on, although I feel like progress is terribly slow) because I'm constantly trying to say or do something to "fix" things, or saying something related that just popped into my head, instead of just listening. I am much more comfortable doing something for someone, and I feel very inadequate in my ability to just be a presence. I never feel like I have the right thing to say, or even anything to say at all, and then I get nervous and start saying all the wrong things. So I avoid being the person that sits with people through things.  

But as I lay there, I thought about the idea of just sitting with someone, someone we can't do anything for other than be there with them. I thought of people who have sat with me through hard things. I thought of how uncomfortable it can be to be the person that is sitting there, but how comforting that presence can be sometimes.  I thought of our Saviors willingness to suffer all that we suffer, not because by doing so He was making it so we didn't have to suffer those hard things, but  just so that he could sit with us in complete compassion as we go through our valleys of loss and sorrow.  And as I sat there, uncomfortable and tired, I felt peace. I felt love surrounding me and Karl as we sat there together, just being there through the thing that was hard for him. 

Today I've been thinking about how little I take advantage of God's gift of being able to sit with me through hard things, being able to be there along side me. So often my prayer is "take this away", or "make this change", and I want to work on the "but if not, just be with me, just let me feel you near me as I go through this". I've realized that because of how He values my agency, He won't push himself into my life uninvited, and I haven't been inviting Him to sit with me through hard things, and what a loss that is for me. 

So, today, here's to me learning to just sit, and learning to let God sit with me.