We are beginners at this, and that's okay

One of the 6 puzzles we've put together in the last 2 weeks...

One thing has become increasingly clear to me this last week - life is not going to be back to normal for a while. Our governor just issued a “Stay Home, Stay Safe” directive, the boys school announced that schools would remain closed at least until May, and even Disneyland announced it’s closed indefinitely, which is the most apocalyptic sign of them all for Simon, who is in a big Mickey Mouse phase. 

Yesterday, with all this uncertainty was swirling through my head, I was reading the book The Next Right Thing by Emily Freeman. In it she talks about being beginners, and how so often we fight against being beginners at a given task or life stage. I started to think about how we are all beginners at living in this new reality, and about two ways that adopting a beginners mindset could help me navigate the days to come. 

1. Learning a new skill set or mindset needs practice takes a lot of work
Since all the boys have done at least some piano lessons now, I often use the piano as an analogy when talking to my kids about what it takes to learn a new skill. Nobody expects to be able to sit down at a piano for the first time and begin playing a Mozart Sonata, and when we start learning a new piece on the piano we begin knowing fully that our first efforts are going to be slow and stumbling. 

But often when it comes to skills like being more patient or perhaps the completely hypothetical example of not eating all the junk foods in the house when feeling overwhelmed, I get frustrated that even though I know better I’m not always doing better. If I can adopt a beginner mindset however, I can remember that these too are skills, and that my first attempts at them are going to be stumbling, and that’s okay.

All of us have been forced to learn some new skills recently, from teleworking and homeschooling our kids to maintaining our friendships and sanity without our normal routines and places we go, be it church or the gym or book clubs. We need to give ourselves extra grace, learning new things is hard, and learning new things inevitably means messing up sometimes. Things feel overwhelming and hard right now because it IS overwhelming and hard to learn a lot of new things at once. If history has shown us anything though, it’s that as humans are capable of doing hard things and adapting to new realities. We got this. 

2. Recognizing we are all beginners can help us be more compassionate
I’ve been super into reading books on our minds/brains recently, so I'm going to start this with some brain talk, hopefully it makes sense. Our brains have evolved to eliminate unnecessary variables and to create patterns and routines to lower the workload of the brain so it can to focus on new inputs and information. In our day to day lives, a large percentage of what we do are routines or habits that don’t take that much processing power from our brains to accomplish. So what happens when all our normal routines and patterns go out the window overnight? All the sudden our entire day requires brain power and concentration to figure out what is going to work best in our new reality. This can obviously be overwhelming, and our brains tend to treat overwhelm as a threat. 

When we are threatened our brain and body go into fight, flight or freeze mode, which is a great mode to be in if you are trying to escape from a tiger, but not so great for daily life. In fight/flight/freeze mode our stress hormones go up, which leaves us feeling on edge and unsettled, and blood flow to our prefrontal cortex is diverted to other areas.  Our prefrontal cortex is the most evolved part of our brain and is where executive function happens - handy little things like self control, problem solving, decision making and planning. So when the best part of our brain is offline due to lack of blood flow, we are going to have a much harder time with things like not eating all the chocolate chips straight out the bag and staying calm when your kids (who now never leave the house) need help at the exact same time with their school work (which you are now in charge of). Once again, both hypothetical examples. 

The good news though, is that if we can recognize what is happening, if we can let ourselves feel the overwhelm and help our brain know that it is not actually a threat to our life, we can bring ourselves back out of fight/flight/freeze mode and start to get our prefrontal cortex back online. That process involves slowing down and paying attention to our mental state, and being mindful of when we need to take some time to bring ourself back into a better mental state. Here I’m going to throw in a plug for meditation. I know that meditation can feel a little over-hyped recently, but it really is for good reason. Among other benefits, meditation has been proven in multiple studies to activate and thicken our prefrontal cortex, and as you might guess, a stronger prefrontal cortex equals more access to those problem solving/self control skills that are so very useful.

There are lots of different styles and types of meditation, so if you are put off by whole sitting cross legged in silence, do some searching for a different type of meditation that might be more your style. Some resources I’ve been liking recently, both free, are the short 6 minute meditations on DoYogaWithMe.com and the 21 day meditation series that Oprah and Deepak Chopra are offering right now created specifically for this crisis. 

Alright, back to compassion. When we recognize that being beginners at almost everything we are doing right now is hard on our brains, we are more able to give ourselves kindness and compassion. And sorry for more brain talk, but the last thing I’ll say is that our brains are a lot better at learning in a state of kindness and compassion then they are in a state of frustration and discouragement. So in the long run, we’re going to figure out our new reality faster if we can slow down enough to give ourselves room and permission to be beginners. 

Last, as we look around us and realize that we are surrounded by beginners we can have more compassion for everyone else, and recognize they are doing the best they can too. Those people panic buying the toilet paper are caught in fight or flight mode, and that’s not a fun place for them to be either.

So my call today is let's all slow down and let ourselves be beginners at all this, and realize that as beginners, we are going to fail sometimes, and that’s okay. 

Thoughts on Books

I've been listening to three different audio books recently that I've really been enjoying, they've been providing me with some great thought fodder. They are Grit by Angela Duckworth, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer.

Ms. Duckworth has been studying grit for years now, and wrote Grit about what she's learned about developing grit and how grit impacts our lives. I've realized that I have not really been focusing on grit in my life or in the life of my kids, and it's definitely a quality I could use a little more of. Or a lot more of. Probably a lot. I am definitely guilty of starting a ton of things and finishing very few of them.

She talks a lot about figuring out your... I can't remember what she called them, core interests? Or passion? I don't know, but the thing that you are most interested in, and doing daily, deliberate practice in that area. But I'm feeling a bit stuck because I don't know what that is for me. I like my kids and husband, and like reading books to try and improve in my parenting and spouse-ing skills, I like my dog, and like learning about dog training, I like writing, although every time I sit down to write I feel endlessly stupid, and I don't really feel like I have something life changing to write about,  I like reading case law, I like being outdoors and hiking, I like traveling and seeing new places, but there isn't one thing that stands out to me as something I am especially passionate about in a life-changing way. Anyway, for now I'm going to try and do daily, deliberate practice on writing, and just see what comes of that, if I start to feel like I have something to say, and if not, then... I give up on grit. Ha.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years is, I think a memoir? He talks a lot about one particular time of his life when he was working with a movie producer to make a movie from another book he'd written, which definitely was a memoir, and his thought on story, and creating stories, and living stories, and our need for story. I really like the idea about being more deliberate about the stories we are living. I feel like often I move through the motions of life without really looking at what I'm moving towards or why I have the particular goals I have, and I want to be more intentional about what I'm creating.

The Untethered Soul is one that a friend told me she was reading and liking it, and it was available on Overdrive so I gave it a shot. I haven't finished that one yet, but so far it's been about being aware of how our thoughts are separate from ourselves, and how much our thoughts influence how we experience and react to the world. And how we limit or hurt ourselves by holding onto our thoughts about different events, and how we can create more energy and joy in our lives by being more intentional with our inner selves. Anyway, I will say it's more out-there than the other two books, I think my dad would have described it as "hippy dippy", it's definitely not a book that I would tell everybody in the world they should read and will love, but it's been useful for me to spend some time being more aware of my thoughts, and I'm liking it overall.

I have to go get Jefferson, and I promised myself I'd hit publish on this before I left, so that's what I've got today, an un-edited rambling about some books I've been listening to.

Edges

"In permaculture there’s a principle called the “edge effect”. This is where two different ecosystems come up against each other and overlap. For many reasons, this region of overlap contains a great amount of biodiversity and productivity.

I love the edge effect in permaculture and I love the edge effect in life. I think about it every time we have a quarter moon and the light is meeting up against the dark. It’s the darkness of prior phases meeting up with the potential of what’s to come. Often during the quarter moons we experience that edge ourselves. Is there anything you are pushing towards or trying to step into? The space where we meet up against something new is the space where we have the opportunity to experience the most growth and productivity.

And dear luna...she reminds us to just keep pushing. Keep pushing towards light and manifestation - even if it’s hard right now. You are getting your most growth being on the edge and I whole-heartedly believe that you’ve got this."
- Heather from StoryLunaStory on Instagram


Heather's post on her StoryLunaStory account never fail to inspire me, and her post yesterday was no exception.  And it got me thinking about the edges in my life. About why so often I want to pull back from the edge, move away from areas of discomfort and stick to what feels known and safe. How often as I stand at the edge of the old and the new, looking forward into the unknown and then down or back into where I am or where I've been, I step back or stand still, for fear that when I start moving forward I won't know what I'm doing and will make a fool of myself. Because that edge area is grey and unsure, I'm still forming my opinions and figuring out my intentions. 

But there are several areas of my life where I've been feeling very stuck recently, and I'm realizing the course forward out of that stuck-ness might not always be direct and steady, that it's more likely a two-steps-forward-and-one-step-back type of journey. And if I don't make those two steps forward because I'm too afraid of needing to take a step back, I'll just stay stuck. 

So many parenting books I've been reading recently talk about the need for children to feel safe to make mistakes, to not feel like every misstep is a tragedy, but that the path to growth is lined with failed attempts. While it's been easy for me to see how that's true for my kids, I've been less willing to accept failure as part of growth in my own life. To stop letting those failed attempts feel so heavy and important and instead just let go of them and view them as an important part of my journey instead of proof that I'm not enough for the journey. 

Today, when I feel an edge between growth and stagnation, I'm going to try and resist that urge to pull back, and choose growth. 

Just Sitting

Karl sitting with his sweet little cousin 

Last night around 1:00 AM I heard Karl calling out for me. Every night this week I'd been up multiples times with either Karl or Simon, it had just been a rough sleep week around here, so I was not too thrilled.

I went into Karl's room and he was crying that his feet were bothering him. I examined them with the flashlight, and could see a few little blisters forming around his big toe, the source of our woes. 

We tried lotion, medicine, soaking his feet in water, socks on, socks off, everything I could think of to help his feet stop bothering him enough so that he could relax and go back to sleep, but two and a half hours later he was still crying and they were still bothering him, and I was exhausted. 

Finally he calmed down enough to climb back in bed, but he still wanted me with him. I curled up at the top of his bed above his pillow and rubbed his back and hair while he continued to toss and turn and whimper about his feet. I was tired and uncomfortable, and just wanted to go and climb back into my own bed, but when I asked him if he thought I could leave he started crying again, so I settled back down and continued rubbing his head. 

I'd been praying for ideas on how to help him, praying for him to be able to relax and fall back asleep, praying for patience, and as I lay there I began to pray "Please just help me be here for Karl. Help me have the strength just to sit with him while he needs me"

Sitting with people through hard things has never been something I've been good at. I am a pretty terrible listener (which I'm really trying to work on, although I feel like progress is terribly slow) because I'm constantly trying to say or do something to "fix" things, or saying something related that just popped into my head, instead of just listening. I am much more comfortable doing something for someone, and I feel very inadequate in my ability to just be a presence. I never feel like I have the right thing to say, or even anything to say at all, and then I get nervous and start saying all the wrong things. So I avoid being the person that sits with people through things.  

But as I lay there, I thought about the idea of just sitting with someone, someone we can't do anything for other than be there with them. I thought of people who have sat with me through hard things. I thought of how uncomfortable it can be to be the person that is sitting there, but how comforting that presence can be sometimes.  I thought of our Saviors willingness to suffer all that we suffer, not because by doing so He was making it so we didn't have to suffer those hard things, but  just so that he could sit with us in complete compassion as we go through our valleys of loss and sorrow.  And as I sat there, uncomfortable and tired, I felt peace. I felt love surrounding me and Karl as we sat there together, just being there through the thing that was hard for him. 

Today I've been thinking about how little I take advantage of God's gift of being able to sit with me through hard things, being able to be there along side me. So often my prayer is "take this away", or "make this change", and I want to work on the "but if not, just be with me, just let me feel you near me as I go through this". I've realized that because of how He values my agency, He won't push himself into my life uninvited, and I haven't been inviting Him to sit with me through hard things, and what a loss that is for me. 

So, today, here's to me learning to just sit, and learning to let God sit with me. 

Moving My Matter

Christmas tree hunting last Saturday

Sorry to Katy Bowman for pretty much plagiarizing the title of your book that I haven't even read (yet!) for the title of today's post. Her book, Movement Matters, looks really good, and I definitely want to read it soon, but I've been listening to her podcast recently, and thinking a lot about how I move and why I move and how I can improve both of those things.

For so long time I haven't taken as much ownership as I should for where I am physically. For the past 11 years I've spent a lot of time pregnant or nursing, and a lot of times it almost felt like my body belonged to those little people more than it belonged to me. These past few months I've been thinking about how I'm moving out of those years, and how my idea of "me" is a little less clear than I want it to be, in many ways, physically, mentally and spiritually, and how I want to move into the future more mindfully.

This last summer I had So. Many. People. ask me when I was due (it's a little insane how many people asked me). I have a really short torso, and do carry any extra weight right around my middle, so I do end up looking pregnant if I have any extra weight on me. I think I was really lucky in that my metabolism was really high when I was pregnant and nursing, so I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted during those times and stay at a pretty comfortable weight, but as soon as I stop nursing the weight starts to climb back up, because I have a hard time stopping the habit of eating whatever I want... So my weight had been slowly climbing the last year, and I finally decided I wanted to change my habits and figure out how to keep my weight where I am comfortable sans pregnancy and nursing.

But I'm realizing I'm not really all that good at the whole fitness and nutrition thing, so I'm trying to start learning more and moving more, but I want to do so in a way that is sustainable and that fits who I want to be. For now I'm not planning on joining a gym, I have always hated gyms, and am not fond of the idea of leaving my kids to go run around, and am hoping to find ways to do things with my kids instead. This may end up being a terrible idea, and I may join a gym in the future and become a gym convert, but I want there to be a way that fits me better.

I've been looking at GMB programs a lot recently, specifically Elements and Focused Flexibility, and I like the focus of the company, and that I could do those programs at home without buying any equipment, and that Jefferson and Duncan (and probably Karl as far as his attention span goes) could do them along with me if they wanted, so I think I'm going to try starting with one of those and see how that goes.

Katy Bowman also keeps telling me I need to walk more, which is very true, but I struggle wanting to go outside when it's below 50 degrees outside... Which is going to be most of the next 6 months, so I need to get over that somehow. Anyway, this post was pretty ramble-y, but I guess this is a "here is where I am, and I'm trying to make a plan to be somewhere else" post.

Creating Space

The other day I read this quote by Ezra Taft Benson:

"The biggest business of any life is making decisions. While one of the greatest gifts of God to man is … the right of choice, he has also given man responsibility for these choices. … We put our own lives in the direction of success or failure. We may not only choose our ultimate goals, but we may also determine and decide for ourselves, in many cases, the means by which we will arrive at those goals, and by our industry or lack of it determine the speed by which they may be reached. This takes individual effort and energy and will not be without opposition or conflict."

Superimposing this quote onto all I've been thinking about technology and how I'm using it has left me thinking about how I'm creating space in my life for my goals, and trying to make sure that I'm using technology in a way that is helping me reach those goals. I definitely felt a little pang of regret when I read the quote feeling like I have not really put forth sufficient industry towards reaching my goals often in the past, and it gave me the motivation to renew my focus on what I want for my future.

One of the themes that the Bored and Brilliant podcast and the End of Absence talked about a lot was distraction, how we are pulled in so many different directions at once, and how really our brains aren't that good at multi-tasking. So the past couple days I've been trying to focus on doing just one thing at a time. I guess so often I just feel pulled in so many directions at once, and it's easy to feel overwhelmed. So when I'm doing the dishes, I try to just do the dishes, and finish them, before I start doing something else, or even thinking about doing something else. When something I need to do comes to mind I try and push it aside and just focus on what I'm doing at the moment.

It's harder than I thought it would be, and I still get side-tracked a lot, and obviously it's not always possible to just do one thing and finish it before getting pulled to something else, but it has given me a little more space for just thinking, thinking about life, and goals, and sometimes nothing particularly important,  but it has actually been pretty nice. And when I am able to really focus on one task I do feel less frantic.

I think the highlight for me was today when I was feeding Simon his bottle, and I just sat, and watched him eat, and studied his little eyes and face, and just soaked up the feeling of holding his tiny body close to mine, and it was really nice. It's made me really want to be more present and mindful, and it's definitely a habit I want to keep working on.

I'm still working on more ideas for creating space for working on my goals, but I guess I'm starting with mental space :).

Book Thoughts - The End of Absence by Michael Harris

I want to use this blog to kind of keep track of the books I read this year, but I'm not really sure how I want to do it, so I'm trying a few different things here...

This week I finished "The End of Absence" by Michael Harris, and while I'm not sure I whole-heartedly recommend the book, I did like the thought-paths that reading it started me down.

It has definitely left me evaluating how and why I use the technology I use, and the technology that the boys use. Grant has started me listening to a podcast called New Tech City, and in a funny coincidence the week I've been finishing this book the podcast started a "Bored and Brilliant" challenge, encouraging people to step away from their technology a bit to create more space for boredom, for being creative. So it's been kind of fun to be reading this book and also listening to Manoush Zamarodi, the voice of New Tech City, talk about the benefits of less technology in our lives.

I have been thinking about the constancy of information that we are surrounded by in this age of google and wikipedia, and how I really do spend less time trying to figure things out myself, and am so quick to just ask Siri when the boys ask me a question.

One thing he talked about several times was how the youth of today are so inundated with technology that they can't really separate themselves from it, they will never have a separate identity outside of technology that those of us who grew up before the age of the internet had as kids. While I can see his point, at times it felt a bit over blown to me. My kids have time with technology every day, yes, but I, and most of my peers, did too. Sure, it wasn't the internet, it was just TV, or Nintendo, or archaic video games, but growing up in the 70's and 80's wasn't like we went from a complete dearth of technology to being completely submerged in it.

I guess I think that while today's technologies may be more prevalent and more accesible and probably more addicting then the technologies of yester-year, but I knew plenty of kids growing up where the T.V. was on constantly at their house, and teenagers who wore their walkman like it was part of their clothes, and I think people found plenty of ways to avoid thinking deeply then without the internet. I think the primary problem is a choice to put away the easier mental tasks and commit to digging into the harder ones, and while the technology of the day may provide more ways to avoid that, it's an old problem, not a new one.

But I guess the constant availability of So. Much. Information. does really make us need to be much more mindful of what we are using and why. So it was a good read overall.